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OCD

I am a clean guy. I like my room to be tidy, my hallway to be swept, and my kitchen to be insect-free. But there are those that would accuse me of “being OCD”. This acronym, which once stood for “obsessive-compulsive disorder”, is now a simple stand-in for cleanliness, perpetrated by the denizens of filth, sloth, and ignorance.

As humans, we are surrounded by obsessions and by compulsions. We are compelled to eat. Some of us are a little obsessed with vaginas, others with penises, a rare few with little boys. Some people are obsessed with heroin, and compulsively inject it into their veins. And minor obsessions with specific numbers, or even/odd numbers are very common. But you wouldn’t call any of these people “OCD”. They’re just people!

OCD is, as a matter of fact, a medically diagnosable anxiety disorder in which a person, overcome by anxiety and thoughts, compulsively behaves in a way that is disruptive to his life or the lives of others. Jack Nicholson in “As Good As It Gets” was a fine demonstration of OCD. Obsessions with numbers and germs, hoarding, checking and rechecking things, repeated hand-washing, can be OCD behaviors.

But sweeping your floors now and then, wiping up after you’ve been cooking, putting away your dishes and organizing your books are NOT demonstrations of obsessive-compulsive disorder unless they interfere with, that is, DISORDER, one’s life.

Thank you. Please leave me alone now forever.

Posted 25 August 2010 † Christopher § Incorrectly Used § Medical § Nouns § Personal ‡ Comments (0) °

Have a Good One

Have a good what, asshole? A good day? A good life? A good diarrhea? What on Earth is this noisy air that escapes your lungs every time you walk away? And who taught you to talk to strangers, or worse, your friends, like such a turd?

What ever happened to “good bye”? It used to be “God be with ye” so it has pedigree. Or how about bringing back “good morning” or “good evening” on parting?

Hell, just give me the finger when you leave. Or punch me in the forehead, or spit on me. Custom-make every parting word. I can’t stand being so easily dismissed from the docket of your attention. When someone says “have a good one” I know they were never really listening to me, that they never cared half a shit for my existence.

You are instantly my enemies, all of you. Have a good diarrhea.

Posted 24 August 2010 † Christopher § Expressions § Meaningless ‡ Comments (0) °

Irony / Ironic

“Irony” has been a word I hated for a long time, but it’s almost TOO BIG now to blog about. The problems with this word are almost too egregious and too numerous to do justice to it. Nonetheless, it screams out for an entry here, if only to put me on record as anti-irony.

Certainly, we are all aware, even those among us us who still call things “ironic”, and those knuckle-dragging troglodytes who think they are using “irony” ironically, that this word has been abused and abused and abused like I abused my grandmother. (Relax, it was the 90’s…it’s what everybody did in the 90’s–abuse their grandparents.) It isn’t even worth explaining the definition of the word here because it is clear that this word is nearly devoid of meaning–when people can use it to simply describe something bad, or merely interesting, that happened. Perhaps it needs to be totally stricken from our lexicon. There is no use trying to fix a word that is totaled.

So my question then becomes, what do we need to do to remove a word from public usage? We can stop using it ourselves, of course, and encourage others to do the same. And when someone around us, say an acquaintance or close relative uses this word, we can ignore them, or hit them, or stab them in the penis or vagina. If they are a talking dog, we can stab them in the dog penis or dog vagina. Parrots should be thrown into the sea and chimpanzees who can sign “irony” should be fired out of a cannon, also into the sea, but a different sea from the parrots because we wouldn’t want them procreating and creating an underwater master race of parronkeymen and parronkeymaids. Because that would be ironic! :P

Posted 11 August 2010 † Christopher § Adjectives § Incorrectly Used § Meaningless § Nouns § Overused § Pop Lexicon § Trying to be Cool ‡ Comments (0) °

Meta

People, listen up and listen good. “Meta” is not an adjective. It is a prefix which can take one of two meanings:

  • connected with a change of position or state
    • metamorphosis
    • metabolism
  • higher; beyond
    • metaphysics
    • metalanguage

But now some people have decided it would be a good idea to take this PREFIX and turn it into its own WORD, because apparently “arcane” and “esoteric” and “abstruse” aren’t enough for them. “Meta” is supposedly used when you’re talking about talking, or thinking about thinking, or masturbating to pictures of people masturbating. It is supposed to refer to some secord-order processing, but really it just sounds fucking shitty. It is pop lexicon.

The next person who says “That’s so meta” is getting an ice pick up the urethra.

Posted 24 March 2010 † Christopher § Adjectives § Pop Lexicon § Redundant § Sounds Stupid ‡ Comments (0) °

Awesome

Awesome is not such an awesome word that you people need to say it all the time. Seriously, “awesome” has been blown completely out of proportion. It used to be that anything that was AWESOME was actually worthy of awe. AWE! Awe is a big thing. A bowl of Captain Crunch cannot be awesome. Your new hubcaps…also not awesome. And nobody’s facial hair has ever come close to actually being awesome. That includes Civil War generals, the dudes from ZZ Top, and your ugly-ass roommate.

The Online Etymology Dictionary claims that “the weakened colloquial sense of ‘impressive, very good’ was recorded by 1961″. So perhaps “awesome” was never so big in my lifetime. Still, that doesn’t excuse people from using it twenty times in a paragraph.

Posted 07 March 2010 † Christopher § Adjectives § Overused § Trying to be Cool ‡ Comments (0) °

Efficient Dynamics

This one is specific. BMW has just launched a new ad campaign that revolves around the slogan “Efficient Dynamics“.

What a meaningless, sophomoric, puerile, dogshit horseshit whaleshit idea for selling cars. This is clearly the work of a whole committee of adfucks because no single semi-educated human person with half a moral compass could be so careless and idiotic to open the cage to release this merciless crap into the universe.

I assume they’re using the term “Dynamics” to describe the cars’ powertrains. So really what they’re saying is “Efficient Powertrains”. Well why didn’t you horsefucking cockfuckers say that??? Did you really think the word DYNAMIC was so DYNAMIC that we wouldn’t notice???

“I’m a stupid asshole American who can’t read and thinks Africa is a country, and I don’t know what ‘dynamic’ means but Germans are smart so they must know more than me and WOW! The car is so dynamic!!! And efficient, too!!! Now I’m gonna go drink Red Bull with vodka and beat my kids! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!”

FUCK YOU

Fuck you, BMW. And fuck you, Germany, for allowing one of your greatest exported brands to be besmirched by some Madison-Avenue cockwads. No wait, they don’t even deserve to be called cockwads. They are COCKHOLES.

You know what would have been a better ad campaign, BMW? “Car good.” At least if you’re going to pander to our ignorance you can do it openly.

BMW…Car good….Me drive fast…Me get 29 mpg highway, 23 city.

And don’t even get me started on the byline: “A milestone for the future.” THAT’S NOT EVEN A THING!!!

Posted 23 February 2010 † Christopher § Meaningless § Weird Stuff ‡ Comments (1) ° Tagged:

Kerfuffle

See brouhaha. Then gouge out your eyes.

Posted 16 February 2010 † Christopher § Uncategorized ‡ Comments (0) °

Real (adverb)

“Real” is not an adverb. It is an adjective. If you remember back to your school days (and I know it’s tough with all the bong residue clouding your memory) an adjective modifies a noun, while an adverb modifies an adjective, or another adverb. So, for example, the following is grammatically correct:

That guy is a real asshole.

This is not grammatically correct:

My asshole is real itchy.

But in common parlance, many English speakers, even yours truly at times, use “real” as an adverb instead of the proper word, “really”. We say it’s “real cold” or “real cloudy”. We might describe someone as “real slutty” or “real violent”. On Fridays, we might get “real drunk”.

Language evolves, so there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with doing this. Personally, I find “really” has a better rhythm to it. But the main reason I hate “real” as an adverb is simply because I can’t ignore the mistake. When I hear someone say it’s “real cold”, even if I restrain myself from correcting them, or butchering them with a hatchet, which is what I normally would do, I still go through the mental motion of the correction in my head, “it’s REALLY cold, you fucking retard” (chop chop choppity chop).

Worse still is when I say it, and then have to correct myself.

It’s sad that it would actually be easier for me to get a lobotomy than to expect the world to speak proper.

I mean, properly. (DAMMIT!)

Posted 12 November 2009 † Christopher § Adverbs § Incorrectly Used ‡ Comments (0) ° Tagged:

Pornography

It’s not 1955 anymore. With the exception of a few holdouts (probably loosely affiliated with Jesus) pornography is accepted as part of modern living. And while it may still have some very important political issues concerning the exploitation of women, most of what you will find out there is not obscene, much of it is fairly artistic, and a sizable minority of pornography is produced by women themselves. It’s even accepted by many as an enhancement for a couple’s sex life.

So why do we still give it this word that sounds like it was lifted from a piece of federal legislation outlawing it? And why the hell do we still have dictionaries with these kinds of definitions, e.g. Random House:

obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit

Totally out of touch. Here’s another, from American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy:

Books, photographs, magazines, art, or music designed to excite sexual impulses and considered by public authorities or public opinion as in violation of accepted standards of sexual morality.

A violation of accepted standards of sexual morality? Really? I picture of tit? No, fuck YOU, American Heritage Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, or should I say, American Heritage Dictionary of Cultural Idiocy? Oh yes I totally went there.

Even the shortened versions, “porn”, and the ABOMINABLY bad, “porno” still sound ridiculous and archaic.

My suggestion? Let’s take back the word “smut”. Before people started saying “pornography” in the 19th century, they referred to “smut”. But nobody says “smut” anymore, so it’s ready to be repurposed. And they love repurposed words over at WordsILove. It’s not a true repurposing, but a shift in connotation, the way “queer” went from a slur to a positive affirmation of alternative gender and sexual identities. “Smut” also has the benefit of starting with our favorite consonant blend (heretofore to be called a “diblend”)….S+M.

I like masturbating to smut.

Posted 10 November 2009 † Christopher § Nouns § Poor Connotation § Sex § Too Long ‡ Comments (0) ° Tagged: , , , ,

Morose

I think I’ve hated morose longer than any word I can remember hating.

It’s likely I first got acquainted with it while studying for the SATs in high school, but I’m sure I hated it even before I heard it. But it took me until just today to realize why I hate it.

Normally I like words that sound like their meaning (here, “expressive of gloom, sullen”) but MOROSE sounds TOO MUCH like its meaning. It’s impossible to say it with a happy morose. Just to pronounce it, you have to adopt a slow, drawling elephant voice. “I feel…mo-ROOooows…” It takes work to say it, and when I’m feeling low, I get lazy.

So just say you’re sad from now on.

Posted 29 September 2009 † Christopher § Adjectives § SATs § Sounds too Much Like Meaning ‡ Comments (0) °

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