I hate kerfuffle so much, I have to post about it a second time. Last year I did a post on this word, and the entirety of the post went as follows:
See brouhaha. Then gouge out your eyes.
Amazingly, no other word I have posted on has caused such an uproar (commotion, disturbance, furor, row). Many of my friends and coworkers have been offended, as have the many winners over at Metafilter, among other places. One guy even threatened to kill himself and I said, “so do it, you fuckin’ pussy”.
The thing about kerfuffle is that people who use it are pedophiles. They prefer touching children (same as people who like Jason Mraz). This word is, in fact, a code like a nod so child molesters can identify one another. The reason so many people have been upset is that I broke their code. I know this because it is a fact I completely made up, so it must be true.
In 1984 there was a study conducted by a researcher at the University of Michigan, a study which I am fabricating for the purpose of proving my point. The researcher was looking for a new window into the mind of pedophiles, and so she conducted thousands of interviews with thousands of convicted pedophiles, and their prosecutors, in Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana (because that’s where the pedophiles live). She came to a lot of the same conclusions about child molesters that other research had shown: all denied ever doing anything inappropriate, all had horrific abusive childhoods of their own, most of them molested children who knew or trusted them, all of them were named Steve, and so on. Frustrated that she had failed to find any new information, the researcher passed the tapes on to a grad student to transcribe, and her grad student made a startling discovery: all the child molesters were using the word “kerfuffle” to describe their predicament. One man, who went by the name “Steve”, used it more than thirty times during the interview, and four times in a single sentence! Not only was he a child molester, but a language molester, too!
So in this fake and tasteless story that I totally made up, the facts are clear. “Kerfuffle” is a word used by pedophiles to describe getting caught touching children. And if I understand how specious reasoning works, if all child molesters use the word “kerfuffle”, then all people who use “kerfuffle” are child molesters.
The point of this made-up tale is that now that you have read it, every time you say “kerfuffle”, or read it or hear someone else saying it, you will think of child molesters. This whole post was a poison pill to ruin your enjoyment of this word forever. I hate it that much.