Patootie

Barf barf barf barf vomit barf puke barf puke throwup barf.

You know who you are, people who use the word “patootie”. You’re probably a Mormon or maybe a little league coach who lures children into your dungeon to play video games. Whichever one you are, the world would be better off without you and better off without this word but especially with you dead and ground into cat food.

Supposedly, “patootie” is a corruption of “potato” (which until now I thought was uncorruptible), and there was a time when our grandparents, unable or unwilling to say things like “ass”, “dirty fuckhole”, or “I don’t mind sitting next to a negro on this five-hour flight to Burbank”, thought it would be cute, in all their infinite white-ness, to make a hypocorism out of it. Because that’s what you do when you’re rich and white and you’re angry that you can’t have slaves anymore. Back then, in Roman times, you might refer to your girlfriend, who you just knocked up after she gave you syphilis, you might call her your “sweet patootie”. I don’t know why our grandparents did this, although I think “The Greatest Generation” was applied ironically. They should have been called “The Drunkest Generation” or maybe “The Beatiest Generation”.

Somehow, over the decades of white ownership of everything including the Sun, “patootie” came to mean “butt”. And like a retard virus, people were infected with it and made to sound like they just got finished touching children. It was the ’40′s. People were bored, and orphans were plentiful.

But now it is 2011, and most of the people who remember that it is a corruption of “potato” are dead, and when they are all gone, this word needs to die with them.

The last remaining person who remembers is Mildred R. C. Gustafson of 105 Sullivan Place, Savannah GA. She’s usually in bed around 9:30 and there’s a window unlocked above the kitchen sink. She lives alone but watch out for her terrier. I’m not saying you should kill her, but if you live in the area and have some extra poison lying around, there’s room in her tea kettle to store it.

Comments 2

  1. Thompson wrote:

    Hillarious article, keep up the fantastic work!

    I’d love to see you go at ‘belly’, that word irritates me like none other.

    Posted 29 Apr 2011 at 12:52 pm
  2. Random Buddy wrote:

    Belly is a rad word!

    Posted 07 Sep 2011 at 7:33 pm

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