Epic

It saddens me to announce the death of the adjectival epic. It seems all you shitheads have had your fill of awesome, and have jumped one step up to epic. Now it’s dead. You killed it.

First, if you haven’t already read my post on awesome, please do so now. I hate awesome because it’s overused. Everything is awesome now, and everyBODY thinks they are awesome. It’s been so overused as to merely mean “good”, and “good” now means “average”, which in turn means “bad”, while “bad” means “awesome” because we appreciate bad things ironically. (Also see my post on irony.)

We’ve created this circular stupidity, and the solution, as always happens in America, is to go bigger. Awesome is awesome, but EPIC is awesome and TIMELESS. The problem is, there’s nothing epic about the tickets you got to see Rush, or your day at the filthy beach. No Greek poet ever wrote a dense symbolist tome about the whole pizza you just ate, you fat fucking fat. But it’s too late. You ate that cheese, farted it out, called it epic, then probably raped a deer. A FAT deer.

This is how I know the universe is about to end, because we’re running out of synonyms. And I say the sooner the universe ends, the sooner shitheads like you stop wolfing pizzas and having an epic bowel movement. So I say we skip right over astronomic and go straight for the grand finale, cosmic. The cosmos, in the words of Carl Sagan, is “all that is or ever was or ever will be”. Take your butthole cheeseburger, house it, call it “cosmic”, then flush the cosmic turds down to the sewer, you asshole. Destroy the entire universe. Please. I’d rather everything die, even the quadrillions of beautiful and gentle alien races that don’t even KNOW us, than listen to you say what you say.

Comments 6

  1. Ashley wrote:

    Omg I hate this word too!! I think because everybody just played it out. It’s like out of nowhere I just started hearing that word nonstop and I can’t stand it

    Posted 13 Oct 2011 at 4:24 pm
  2. Lindsay wrote:

    Absolutely overused…bitterly spit to death from the mouths of legions of hipster bunnies. *Splat* There goes a word, and if I may, an EPIC word, that has lost all of it’s balls. We now have left but a sad EPIC eunuch…

    Posted 27 Mar 2012 at 9:35 pm
  3. Ryan wrote:

    Epic post.

    Posted 09 Jun 2012 at 1:42 pm
  4. Ted C wrote:

    This word is making a come back. I heard a buffet at a local casino is “epic” and apparently, according to Quaker Oat commercials, eating oatmeal ensures you will have an “epic” day.

    Posted 22 Jan 2013 at 2:03 pm
  5. Optimus wrote:

    I cringe at every use. I work with a twit that uses it to describe every thing from her “witty” comebacks at the bar to ideas about lunch choices. Others share in my misery, after I pointed out my disdain for the word’s overuse. Now they also show a pained wince every time we have a meeting or piece of cake that was “epic”.

    PS-This almost ruined Faith No More’s song with the same name.

    Posted 30 Jan 2013 at 10:18 am
  6. Amy wrote:

    Please add the words “fierce” and “random” to the list.

    Posted 22 Feb 2013 at 2:26 pm

Trackbacks & Pingbacks 1

  1. From Straying the Course: My Struggle with Vocal Assimilation « Americana Overload on 19 Jun 2011 at 6:41 pm

    [...] I’m prone to using on a daily basis alongside a slew of other auditory offenders like epic, literally, super (as a prefix/intensifer and adjective), yummy, begs the question, plethora, my [...]

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