It saddens me to announce the death of the adjectival epic. It seems all you shitheads have had your fill of awesome, and have jumped one step up to epic. Now it’s dead. You killed it.
First, if you haven’t already read my post on awesome, please do so now. I hate awesome because it’s overused. Everything is awesome now, and everyBODY thinks they are awesome. It’s been so overused
as to merely mean “good”, and “good” now means “average”, which in turn means “bad”, while “bad” means “awesome” because we appreciate bad things ironically. (Also see my post on irony.)
We’ve created this circular stupidity, and the solution, as always happens in America, is to go bigger. Awesome is awesome, but EPIC is awesome and TIMELESS. The problem is,
there’s nothing epic about the tickets you got to see Rush, or your day at the filthy beach. No Greek poet ever wrote a dense symbolist tome about the whole pizza you just ate, you fat fucking fat. But it’s too late. You ate that cheese, farted it out, called it epic, then probably raped a deer. A FAT deer.
This is how I know the universe is about to end, because we’re running out of synonyms. And I say the sooner the universe ends, the sooner shitheads like you stop wolfing pizzas and having an epic bowel movement. So I say we skip right over astronomic and go straight for the grand finale, cosmic. The cosmos, in the words of Carl Sagan, is “all that is or ever was or ever will be”. Take your butthole cheeseburger, house it, call it “cosmic”, then flush the cosmic turds down to the sewer, you asshole. Destroy the entire universe. Please. I’d rather everything die, even the quadrillions of beautiful and gentle alien races that don’t even KNOW us, than listen to you say what you say.