Words I Hate

I have actually stabbed people for saying this word. No foolin’. Guy says “goosepimples”, I pull out my supercool switchblade and stab him in the brainstem and also his throat several times. You probably saw it in the news. It was classified as a hate crime because I hate this word so much.

Here’s the thing, for real now. GooseBUMPS are cute. When you touch someone, say, kiss them on the neck or ears, and they get goosebumps, it’s very very sexy. But when they say, “you give me goosepimples!” all I can think about is pimples. And then I think about geese. Not sexy geese, the kind you have sexy sex with, but fat, obnoxious geese. Then back to the pimples, and geese with pimples, then geese coming OUT of pimples, and so on until I tell the voices in my head to shut up and they usually do.

If you have a habit of saying “goosepimples” I suggest you unlearn it before you ruin an otherwise wonderful date. I WILL dump you for saying this. Off a bridge.