I am a clean guy. I like my room to be tidy, my hallway to be swept, and my kitchen to be insect-free. But there are those that would accuse me of “being OCD”. This acronym, which once stood for “obsessive-compulsive disorder”, is now a simple stand-in for cleanliness, perpetrated by the denizens of filth, [...]
Words I Hate
Nouns —
Category Archives: Nouns
Pornography
It’s not 1955 anymore. With the exception of a few holdouts (probably loosely affiliated with Jesus) pornography is accepted as part of modern living. And while it may still have some very important political issues concerning the exploitation of women, most of what you will find out there is not obscene, much of it is [...]
Goosepimples
I have actually stabbed people for saying this word. No foolin’. Guy says “goosepimples”, I pull out my supercool switchblade and stab him in the penis and also his throat several times. You probably saw it in the news. It was classified as a hate crime because I hate this word so much.
Here’s the thing, [...]
Blowjob
This one has bugged me for years. We have many euphemisms for oral sex, which I won’t go into here, but only a few terms that are used in common parlance. There are a fair number of sexy ways a person can describe fellatio, such as “suck your cock”, “suck you off”, “fuck my mouth”, [...]
Oxymoron
Get rid of this word. Just get rid of it. We cannot have a word that ends in “moron” that has nothing to do with morons. Granted the “moron” in “oxymoron” comes from the same place as the “moron” in “moron” (the Greeks, those fuckers), and I’m sure at some point this word had a [...]
Ombudsman / Ombudsperson
This is what happens when the English language attempts to appropriate a Swedish word. You get one of the most ugly and cumbersome abominations ever to exit your mouth that didn’t involve Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bottle of spray cheese.
An ombudsman (or, in even more sickeningly politically-correct parlance, ombudsperson) is someone who acts as [...]
Palm
This one is personal. I have always pronounced the L in “palm”. But a few years ago my girlfriend at the time insisted that the L is not pronounced, that it should be pronounced like PAHM. This sounds completely ridiculous to me, but so far every dictionary I’ve encountered has said the same thing: she [...]
Peccadillos
When the English language was created by God (around 4,000) years ago, He never meant for words like this to infect His perfect creation, which is in the image of His own language. But then in the 16th century, some lame-o needed attention and started talking about “peccadillos” when “flaws” or “small sins” would work [...]
Velvet / Velveteen
I have posted these together because they both suffer the same problem: poets love them. And not just hack poets, either. Respectable, even professional poets spew “velveteen” like it was “gossamer”. I have no idea what the poetic obsession with these words are. Velvet is a fabric. At one point, it was a beautiful, luxurious, [...]